I turn back and look at you because I want to see your joy as you see mine. I turn back to tell you, did you notice the brilliant blue skies? Are you feeling the scorching heat of the sun that deceives our skin, because there is also the unrelenting wind that blows our hair askew? I turn back and wish you could see all that I see. I want to turn back time just a little, just a bit for you.
Sometimes I find myself so terribly interested in how your day went, who you met, why you felt the way you do, and I realise I could be in friend love with you. Yes, there is such a feeling – as brought up by Nana, illustrated by Yumi Sakugawa and kindly reproduced here. It’s not about having the best looks, or being the most popular at the table. It’s about how you attract me into your mind because I see so much potential there.
Sometimes I find myself at the end of everyone’s disbelieving looks when I say I’m not interested in talking; I want to listen. Perhaps it’s because I have yet to find that equilibrium where I am all right with silence, perhaps it shows how unsure I am about myself and who I’m with. But believe me, I want to listen to what you have to say.
Sometimes I wish you could just be here when I need to have someone cheer me on, pile up the bravado and plunge into what Life is all about.
A short weekend to find W, my Travel Buddy For Life (so aptly labelled because it’s so hard to find people who connect with regards to travel habits, favourites and eating styles), and this was made even better when E flew in from Shanghai to join the party.
Amidst the sweltering heat, we laughed at/with each other, and even created a song because E had to do work the very morning she landed and we were so, so hungry. What I won’t forget from this trip is learning that my command of Chinese is mediocre, at best. E was suggesting that we cycle around Ayutthaya instead of taking up the tuktuk vendor’s suggestions, and I was like, “自行车？可以啊。” without realising she meant bicycle, not motorbike (not that I could ride that, either). Thankfully, I survived cycling on the congested and narrow roads of Ayutthaya alongside cars and everything else.
Adventure, how you make me grow up.
A few days ago, I went for a meditation workshop – more of a chat, laugh about life’s experiences, and some quiet time. Ajahn Brahm made example of the coin toss: when decisions get too difficult and you’re blinded by the pros & cons, you flip and your reaction to what you get is really what you (do not) want. Also, he asked us to leave our past and future worries behind and live in the now.
Living in the now may sound impractical, or even unfeasible, so I’d have thought but I agreed that by worrying about what the next step could be, or what should have been done better.. such worries could be set aside while you bask in the present because Life is passing you by even as you get all worked up about something that isn’t anything.
Today’s picture was taken when I went to the waters off Ubin, and I thought of my mother. We scattered her ashes into the sea after she was cremated; because stealthy scattering of ashes at Botanic Gardens could get us in trouble even as she would have loved being with her favourite plants. I kid, but I was reminded of the grief that surrounded us as we tried to let go of her with every fall of the powder that used to be her.
Let us move on from our grief; our worries shackle us. Let us find our paths, through lesser worrying and more doing. Tomorrow will be better because of today.
All of us find paths in Life that take us down alleys and unknown adventures, but I realise that most may not have the time to even develop friendships further than the pleasantries and surface joy of similar interests. Maybe that’s why I get slightly exhausted even though I want to spend time with family and friends. Because I want to know more and be there for you if I could.
Two days ago, two friends lost their parents. This marks the beginning of a quiet journey of healing, I’m sure. We have reached the age where we need to be strong for goodbyes, but who teaches this in school? The School of Hard Knocks, deffo. Compassion, understanding and forgiveness. Some shades of these words enter our lives but we are caught now in the web of busy, caught up in multi-tasking and conveniently forgetting the basics that make us better people.
It’s going to be an endless journey of learning till we say goodbye for the last time.