twentyfive-ish thoughts

Dear five years younger self,

You’ve been keeping an online journal presence since you were 14. When I re-visited my old Diaryland site, I read your insecurities, the people who inspire you, the trouble you kept getting in to. But you haven’t changed, have you? Just older, not-quite wiser. So I shall reassure you of the worries that you held and tell you the hard truth about things you’d never imagine.

1. You can’t be everyone’s friend. People will dislike you, no matter how hard you try.
2. You’ll be making a year-long sojourn to Japan in two months. In that year, you’ll meet people who will teach you how to be satisfied with Life, to live with little wants, and to live independently.
3. You’ll look better five years later. Miraculously, that diet you decided to try just three years later worked. You’ve got to restart the jogging/swimming though.
4. You’re quite the traveller; appreciating nature’s gifts and being a ‘natural’ tour guide for Japan-bound friends.
5. You won’t get the guy. She will.
6. You are an amazing connector. There is good reason that you’re always keeping in touch – and not in a fake way.
7. You’ll always have friends who love you. Maybe friends don’t show you enough appreciation for your efforts in keeping friendship going, but you’re able to find help when you need it.
8. You’ll miss your mother every day. I’m glad to say that you gave her so much love and never once let her down. She told me that her best trip overseas was the one where you brought her around Sapporo, treated her to a kani kaiseki meal, visited the lavender fields and watched the one-hour long fireworks that summer.
9. Through your loss, you came out stronger. You’ll learn how infallible you can be in grief, and see how the strongest person you thought you knew crumble.
10. You’re going to be 29 and inside, you’re still 22.

(inspired by Areya’s post)

even when you try to be a better friend, you end up asking, “why isn’t anyone doing the same for me?”

then you realise you didn’t make time for friend A, that friend B asked you for a cup of coffee but you weren’t sure if conversation could flow because “it’s been so long”, or perhaps friend C recently got together with a guy and you didn’t want to be the “third wheel”.

all and on and all.

before the finger rests on our noses to say we’ve been taken for granted, how about figuring if we’ve taken anyone for granted lately?

After Nara’s serenity, I headed towards Uji to find out more about Byōdō-in (平等院). This Buddhist temple looks so elegant. A friend recommended this ‘pit stop’ before I was to meet my friend in Kyoto, and I’m glad I made the day trip there.

Japan commemorates Byōdō-in’s longevity and cultural significance by displaying the image of the Phoenix Hall on the 10 yen coin. I loved the quiet time admiring the architecture of the temple, and the various Buddhist monuments they had in the museum nearby.

If I had my own 24 hours, selfishly mine and not to be bothered with you and yours, what would I do?

To be practical, a good 7 hours for sleeping. That’s at night, but you can’t fault me for planning ahead. Now, what should I do on a beautiful, blue-skies day? 30 minutes of jogging around the neighbourhood, looking at the familiar roads that my ma used to drive us through to get us to school and back. Thinking about her, hoping she’s safe wherever and that she’s loved. Jogging enough to get my heart pumping and myself smiling.

Then, a breakfast of toast and half-boiled eggs with my dad. Tell him what I’ve got up my sleeves for the day, the week, but because he’s hard of hearing at times, I remind myself to speak slower and louder. Then again, he always hears things that I try to gloss over. Sneaky dad. I would also check with my sister what her plans are for the day. Wonder about our brother, wonder if he’s sleeping well. All in all, would this be 2 hours, if we give or take a shower and time to cool down?

I’d take a walk to the library, a good 20 minutes away, but because the skies are so gorgeous, the wind is just the right amount of wild, it will be a good walk. Walking through the library doors, wondering and anticipating what books I can spot and borrow today. Will it be a few on Fantasy, on dragons and magic that just colour my mind up so quickly? Will it be a whimsical Romance, just like how I used to look at Life with hopes of an idealist? I bet I’d grab ten books, four too many for the quota of six. Then I’d hem, haw, think about which books shouldn’t come home with me. Yet another two hours would slip by.

With my eco-bag filled with books, I’d wander to the supermarket and look at rows and rows of fresh (as they can get) vegetables and fruits and try to figure out how much I can carry home and how much is too much. Leave me in a supermarket, or a pharmacy, and I would walk my way through the aisles and take forever to decide on what’s a “need” and what’s a “want”. Tsk tsk, an hour already?

Carrying my loot home, I’d put things where they ought to be, and finally, oh finally I get to sit down on the couch and start reading the books I brought home. Of course, that would be after I made myself a few dishes from the cookbook that I’ve always wanted to refer to. And y’know what? I’d forget the time as the pages flip by, as the story unfolds and I wonder what’s next to come.  I’d be kidding myself if I didn’t factor in time to check tweets, emails and even update my friends on how today went (fantastic!).

But because 24 hours can’t possibly be just mine alone, my imagination ends here. It was good while it lasted though.